Wiltshire

Siblings stuck together in close and closed quarters is a recipe for flare ups, bickering and full blown arguments no matter what their ages. Exasperated and exhausted parents who are trying to keep working, run a school, put food on the table, worry about loved ones, and have just a little time to themselves are finding policing sibling struggles particularly tough. &nbsp;Muddy turns to The Parenting Partnership for help.



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="720" height="480" src="https://wilts.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsbored-720x480.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-19132" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsbored-720x480.jpg 720w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsbored-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsbored-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsbored.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



Sisters
and brothers fight for many reasons and being isolated at home together for
weeks on end provides many opportunities.&nbsp;
They fight to get our attention, to protect their things and their
space, when their needs are not being met in other aspects of their young
lives, when their differing temperaments collide or when they are just bored.
Add to all that feelings of anxiety and stress, a need for privacy and space
and extended boredom and it’s a perfect storm of sibling unrest.&nbsp;



When our kids argue, bicker and fight it pushes our buttons. We feel out of control at the best of times but add our stress and anxiety around isolation and Coronavirus, and it seems an impossible ask for us to keep our cool. Big feelings can make us all react in ineffective ways – snapping, shouting, nagging, jumping to conclusions, perhaps sending everyone to their rooms and seeking refuge in our own. 



How can we stay calm in the moment, help our kids learn to manage and redirect their big emotions, ask for what they need and get along? A sensitive response is important, especially in these difficult times, as not only do we send the message that ‘it is tough but we’ve got this’ but it reinforces for our kids that there will be disagreements in relationships, that this is normal and a healthy part of life and that reparations are also an important part of the process.&nbsp;



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="720" height="480" src="https://wilts.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/silbingsplaying-720x480.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-19134" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/silbingsplaying-720x480.jpg 720w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/silbingsplaying-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/silbingsplaying-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/silbingsplaying.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



To begin with we need to:&nbsp;



Acknowledge that our job is to be the coach
and NOT the referee.&nbsp; As parenting expert
Bonnie Harris reminds us; we need to remain objective not judgmental.&nbsp;
A&nbsp;coach’s job is to remain open minded and find learning opportunities. It
is not his job to award the penalty. Our job is to help our kids learn from
this time and the next and the one after that and focus on problem solving
rather than ascribing blame. &nbsp;When we judge
our kids feeling misunderstood, hurt, disrespected and resentful. This approach
knocks their self-esteem and the cycle of sibling rivalry continues. &nbsp;Giving up the role of problem solver and
passing this to our kids sends the message that we trust them to be responsible
and capable of finding a mutually acceptable solution. Trust is
empowering.&nbsp;



Manage expectations:&nbsp; Expectations management seems to be the
mantra for this difficult time and it is especially important around sibling
fighting. &nbsp;All siblings fight and argue.
It is a normal and even healthy part of growing up. Being cooped up together in
this not at all normal new normal means we can only expect MORE sibling
struggles. Armed with realistic expectations we can appreciate that there will be
many more triggers for sibling outbursts. We can be compassionate and breathe a
little deeper than we normally would and think about what we can do as the
parent and coach to help our kids, with differing ages and temperaments, build
stronger relationships that outlast this unusual time we have together. &nbsp;



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="720" height="480" src="https://wilts.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsfighting-720x480.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-19135" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsfighting-720x480.jpg 720w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsfighting-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsfighting-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingsfighting.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



Have regular family meetings. It won’t be the first
time that you’ll have heard about the importance of gathering as a family to
talk about how everyone is feeling, what they think may make life run a little
smother at home, raise grievances and come up, together, with family rules and
routines. Each family will have a different approach and set of rules and
routines that fits their style and values. Perhaps you all decide that for
certain designated things permission needs to be granted from the owner before
they are touched (the favourite car) or borrowed (the favourite blusher). &nbsp;Perhaps you decide on family game night and
other family activities and rituals that build family bonds and sibling
tolerance. Perhaps you agree on how the household chores will be delegated,
rotated and done and draw up a plan. It is vital to get the kids input as it
helps them take ownership and feel heard.&nbsp;



Special Time: &nbsp;Being all in one place and with more free time
(many of us don’t need to commute any longer), we can invest in supporting our
kids, of all ages, by spending one on one child-led time with each of them.
This special time is gold dust as it improves behaviour, builds self-esteem,
helps children learn to self-regulate and de-stress through deepening our
connection. This is a vital way to address sibling rivalry as it sends the
message that we love EACH of our kids deeply and uniquely&nbsp;for who they
are. &nbsp;The trigger for some sibling
fighting is the ‘I wish you had never been born” scenario with kids imagining
(dreaming about) what it would be like to be on their own and get all the
attention from their parents. Special time helps address these big feelings as
your routine presence, undivided interest in them and time together deepens
your connection. The message ‘that there is nowhere else I would rather be
right now than with you” is a powerful one.&nbsp;



Our job
as the parent coach with realistic, or at least measured expectations, a
respectful dialogue, input from our kids and special time together will go a
long way towards reducing sibling struggles. Over the coming weeks will still
likely have plenty of opportunity and time to practice these seven practical
steps for supporting sibling struggles and building harmony:



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="720" height="480" src="https://wilts.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingshappy-720x480.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-19131" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingshappy-720x480.jpg 720w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingshappy-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingshappy-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/siblingshappy.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



1.&nbsp;Intervene only when necessary &#8211; Ignore
as much as possible the low-level bickering but when things have heated up,
take a deep breath and just state what you see “I see two girls who both want
to play with the same car.” “I see one girl who used to have the car and still
wants to play with it and another girl who wants to play with it as it is now
next to her.” Ascribing blame or judging sounds like this – “why can’t you just
ask and play nicely. It always ends in tears. You are just too aggressive with
your sister!” Just stating calmly what you see gets their attention, shows you
are objective, reminds you not to take sides and deescalates the
situation.&nbsp;



2 Console your kids to calm the situation &#8211;
We cannot learn when we are flooded with emotion – At this point, we need to
right the ship, offer life jackets and get back to calm waters. It is ok to
offer warmth, support and understanding before teaching “Goodness I can see you
are both really upset and need my help. I have two arms, one to hug each of you
and then we can sort this all out.”&nbsp;



3.&nbsp;Be curious &#8211; &nbsp;We tend to jump in without even questioning
who was the instigator or at least without asking what happened. It’s was only
when you take the time to get to the feelings behind the actions that we began
to understand the behaviour. It might sound like this: ‘For you to say that
shows me how angry you are. I am wondering whether you’re feeling that he
always gets first choice? “ “I am thinking that you were not sure that you
wanted to give that car away and that you are regretting the decision?” or “I’m
thinking that your swimming lesson was tough today and that you are still a bit
mad.”&nbsp;



<figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" loading="lazy" width="720" height="480" src="https://wilts.muddystilettos.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/dadandkids-720x480.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-19133" srcset="https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/dadandkids-720x480.jpg 720w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/dadandkids-300x200.jpg 300w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/dadandkids-768x512.jpg 768w, https://dev.muddystilettos.co.uk/wilts/wp-content/uploads/sites/19/2020/04/dadandkids.jpg 1000w" sizes="(max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



4. Empathise &#8211; &nbsp;By accepting the underlying emotion, no matter
how uncomfortable it might be, and using the ‘name it to tame it ‘approach – such
as “annoyed” with your sister who seems always to be right there, ”jealous” of
your little brother for getting all the attention, “frustrated” that you are
stuck at home and need to share, we give our kids permission to have these
feelings. Only when the underlying feeling is accepted and named will they be
able to begin to learn to regulate and manage the feelings and move on. &nbsp;



5.&nbsp;Set limits respectfully – All emotions are
acceptable but some behaviours are not. When everyone is calm, revisit the
behaviour and help your child (without any judgment) say in her own words what
happened and reflect it back to her: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You
thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell
Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” For more on this read our <a href="https://www.theparentingpartnership.com/does-positive-discipline-mean-i-am-a-pushover">blog</a> on positive discipline.
Where appropriate invite them to make amends. &nbsp;Forced apologies are not
valuable but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy.
“Does Emma need a hug?”



6.&nbsp;Help your child to manage next time&#8211;
Invite your kids to come up with their solution for helping them manage their
anger next time they are ‘annoyed’ or experience another strong emotion. This
is best done in a quiet moment when you are connecting with your child. “I know
you don’t always want your sister around when you are playing with your Lego.
She likes being with you. I am wondering what you could say to signal that you
are getting upset?” Teaching them to ask for what they need is a vital life
skill.&nbsp;



7.&nbsp;
Give positive attention &#8211; Notice and
mention all the things they get right through the process &#8211; their engagement,
their creativity in problem solving, their willingness to&nbsp;make amends.
Keep the process positive and descriptive and they will take on board the
learning. If we criticise, blame or punish, they will feel belittled, or
resentful and feeling poorly about themselves means it is more likely that the
behaviour will reoccur. Children are born with an instinct to get things
RIGHT.&nbsp;



Finally,
the best way to handle sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them
happening in the first place. In these extraordinary times, if we can keep
focusing on helping our kids feel safe and secure, happy in themselves and
connected to their family it is less likely they need to seek attention and
have their needs met through heated sibling conflict. &nbsp;



Please let us know how you get on and we send our love and support from our family to yours.



The Parenting Partnership are offering Skype consultations so do get in touch at&nbsp;<a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://www.theparentingpartnership.com/" target="_blank">theparentingpartnership.com</a>

Supervising siblings in lockdown?

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